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The Love of Bare November Days

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It’s the start of November and that means graduation week all over the country. Graduates come back to their university cities to accept their diploma’s and party. Mr. Bingley is a graduate. Thus it was a very welcome telephone call from my mother asking me to come home for the week. Immediately after the call I booked my tickets and threw some random bits and pieces into my suitcase and left.

I will be spending this start of November admiring the leaves turn gold instead of watching the grads turn old. I shall be feeling a cold November breeze whiffle through my hair instead of the burning sensation of alcohol through my throat as we celebrate their return. I shall smile at the touch of my mother’s arm around my shoulder instead of the shock that would run through my body as Mr. Bingley taps my shoulder.

Like Robert Frost once beautifully worded: ‘Not long ago I learned to know the love of bare November days.’ Bare translates to many different meanings but I relate to them all. Bare is without covering or content; barren, bleak, desolate, empty. Bare is simple and unadorned. And I feel myself doing exactly so; loving these bleak and simple November days. Because this bleakness feels safer than the hopefulness of a love that crumbles in the end. I prefer these simple days over any complications like we’ve known them.

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When Will Love Be Through With Me

More time passes by and more and more I start to doubt myself. Am I capable of falling in love? What is holding me back? Am I normal? All the usual questions a 21 year old would ask herself, you’d say. However as I look at the people around me I notice that everyone has had at least one relationship in their lifetime. I know it’s not a bad thing to be a bit unusual, or differ from the rest. I understand that it is different for everyone and that I shouldn’t compare myself, but this time it’s different. I have never connected with anyone on that level. So I googled it, for google is the almighty wizard filled with infinite wisdom and will answer all my questions and what I discovered is that, basically. I have a lot of issues.

I came across this article from Psychology Today in which they catagorize people according to the reasons they don’t fall in love easily and guess what; I tick all the boxes. I do have childhood trauma, I am very fearful of being controlled by the relationship, I do feel like I have an obligation and have been trapped in relationships by guilt and threats, I do act like I don’t need love and I am also not able to sustained prolonged intimacy – the beginning is fun, but then it gets scary and boring.

And although all of those are massive warning signs, I have let go of most of those things a long time ago. What if it is not due to something that happened to me but more to the way I am. I have also recently discovered this article in buzzfeed that talks about ‘aromantics’ and gave a basic definition:

  • Aromanticism means you cannot feel romantic attraction. Like any romantic or sexual orientation, it is a part of a person’s nature, and while attraction patterns can be fluid, no one can force their romantic/sexual orientation(s) to change, not even by behaving contrary to those orientations. Dating someone won’t make an aromantic person feel romantic attraction or love. Great sex won’t do it. Even loving someone strongly as a friend won’t suddenly flip the switch in an aro’s brain and lead them to feel romantic attraction. Either you feel attracted to someone in a particular way or you don’t.

Although I thoroughly recognize myself in a lot of the description I don’t quite know where the line begins or ends. How do you know if you’re aromantic or just really fucked up? The sad thing is, I actually try so hard to fall in love sometimes that it makes me feel utterly ridiculous and that I end up hurting people.

For example this week I had to deal with both Michael and Sebastian. Michael, two days after he left, sent me a message saying that he was starting to ‘fall for me’. Having no clue how to answer to that, for my feelings are not even close to mutual I freaked out and still haven’t responded. Sebastian then in turn told me that he no longer wanted it to be awkward between us (not that it was in my eyes?) and that it is better to stay friends. I responded by saying that I hoped we were friends already. Then as the night continued, Sebastian’s best friend Regis came up to me and decleared his hatred for me. He claimed that I had ‘wrecked’ Sebastian. Knowing that all of it was probably true, there was nothing left to say. However I started laughing as I looked aside and saw that Sebastian was having an intense make-out session with a random girl just a few meters away from us (we were in a club, just to clarify). As I wanted to say – he seems to be over it – I remained silent instead and left.

I just like to kiss people when I’m durnk, I don’t actually ever mean to hurt anyone

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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The Tales of Mr. Bingley part 1

I feel like I owe you guys an explanation of what exactly happened to Mr. Bingley after I stopped blogging for a bit. The last bit you got from me and him was the money throwing part (which you can read back here), which was basically almost a year ago; so there’s a lot of gaps in the storyline to fill up. I will try to keep it short. Ha who am I kidding?

After the money throwing incident there was the Christmas social in which I was dressed up as an elf. Mr. Bingley and I left pretty early and went back to mine, once again we kissed but nothing really happened. I’m not sure why this kept happening, because I do believe we both wanted to take things further but I guess we were both scared. At this point I quite started to like Mr. Bingley and as we said goodbye the next morning, for we wouldn’t see each other over the Christmas period I was genuinely a bit sad.

What happened after the Christmas break was a bit odd. Basically I did not see him for over two months. He stopped going out and we both were too proud to text each other. Oh and what I forgot to mention was that he basically “borrowed” my sport trackies and my favourite hoodie after the Christmas special and never gave it back. Thus that was quite annoying.

It must’ve been the end of March when I finally bumped into him again on a night out. At this point I decided that the best thing to do was to just ignore him, but when I got home I received a text from him asking if I was angry with him. My housemate jumped in and took the phone away from me. Somehow this resulted in a very badly worded drunk text from me (a.k.a. my housemate) asking him out on a date. I couldn’t quite cope with the very possible rejection that was about to come my way so I tossed my phone across the room and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to a message from Mr. Bingley. “I would like to go for drinks soon, if you still want to. How about Friday?” I accepted and the date was set.

That Friday I found myself incredibly ill. I wasn’t quite sure whether this was my body telling me it was an incredibly bad idea to go for drinks with him or whether it was just bad luck, but some higher dating god did not want us to be together because I received this message from him late that afternoon. “Can we have drinks another time? Just found out I shouldn’t have been driving my car since November because my MOT ran out and my tax ran out today. How about Monday?” 

My friends and I basically couldn’t stop laughing after that text and it became an inside joke. But seriously though? If you think you’ve been pied off badly, remember me, who’s date has been canceled because of an expired MOT. Seriously though. Anyway, I received the hint and didn’t really bother with him anymore. So I sent him the following reply: “To be honest I think neither one of us is really fuzzed about drinks, so let’s just leave it with this.”  To which he responded with a casual “Fair enough”.  I know I am clearly not an expert in relationships or human contact, but I do know that most people will go after what they really want and a ‘fair enough’ seemed like he was fine with my decision.

I would’ve been happy to leave it with that, because at that point I really didn’t care about the whole affair. However, it did not end there.

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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Wasn’t Expecting That

So my friend Michael came to visit this weekend. We met each other last summer when I was working on a campsite in Spain and we basically spent every night together and towards the end we had a little fling, I am not going to lie. However as our ways parted after the summer, I did not expect to see him again. That’s the way it is supposed to be with summer romances, isn’t it?

So when he suggested to come and visit me this weekend I didn’t quite know what to expect, but I hoped it would be a friendly visit. The first awkward moment became apparent as I walked into my room after he had dropped his stuff inside and noticed a big bouquet of flowers. Secretly hoping that he bought it for his mother that he would see on his way back I pretended I’d never seen it. Unfortunately, they were for me.

The weekend continued with us going out with one of my neighbours. As the three of us were dancing the night away in the local student club I ran in to Sebastian (I mentioned him in my earlier post ‘Back to Black‘). After quickly saying hi to Sebastian and his friends I returned to Michael and my neighbour. An hour later whilst it became clearer and clearer that Michael was trying to impress me with his dance moves and his constant winking – I received a message from Sebastian. ‘Are you going to Flamingo later?‘ Flamingo is basically the only bar down here that is opened till 6 am. I am a massive fan personally. Yes – it may be filled with creepers and desperate people, but they play tune after tune and they serve drinks in their smoking lounge!

I replied with a casual ‘Of course!’ as it is only natural for me to continue the night there I had accidentally arranged a meet-up later. If I had learned one thing from the past it was to keep people who probably both like you seperated. Don’t introduce them. Thus as we moved on to Flamingo (because I had also promised my neighbour and Michael earlier) we bumped into Sebastian sitting on the corner of the street next to this homeless guy called Jeff. Jeff turned out to be an absolute legend.

At first I very much wanted to pass him without saying a thing, for that would be the best scenario, but I couldn’t push myself to leave Seb there, for he was looking quite lost. Thus I walked over with my neighbour and Michael and introduced the lot. Seb, being the gentleman he always is offered to pay for my neighbour as she did not have enough money for the entry.

We all went in and it became apparent quite quickly for both my ‘suitors’ that they were both interest in me. What followed was a veeeeery uncomfortable evening in which I heavily tried to avoid giving one more attention than the other, or the kind of attention that might make them get the wrong idea. Thus when Seb grabbed me by my arm and asked me if I saw him as ‘just a friend‘ I collapsed under the stressfulness that had been the entire night and mumbled that I would prefer to have that conversation at another point. He left, probably slightly offended or disappointed. Michael, my neighbour and me left not much later and found him waiting for us outside, but as soon as he noticed that I was still in the company of my friends he walked off. Completely normal behaviour.

Not having mentioned the amount of fights that Seb’s very rowdy friend managed to get involved in that entire night (I honestly do not understand that testosterone driven habit of drunk men) I thought the worst was finally behind me, when my neigbour asked for a sigaret from a random guy on the way home. As soon as he turned around I identified him as a guy I was briefly seeing last year (whom I mentioned in the post ‘Till there were none‘) I gave up on hoping I could have a nice night out. I guess this is my punishment for dating too many people.

Now the next day Michael became very clingy and stayed around all day, whilst all I wanted to do was being by myself. Not to mention receiving messages from Tiger if I wanted to hang out. All in all it caused me having a slight panic attack. It probably sounds ridiculous but all I want right now is for everyone to leave me alone so I can curl up in my blanket and lie on the floor like a burrito. But for some reason (and I am going to generalise here, sue me) men are incapable of being friends with girls without having another agenda. I also don’t understand why all the boys I meet immediately want to be in some sort of relationship, whilst I don’t think I am capable of that. After Mr. Bingley there’s been no one who comes even close to him and I am not interested in anyone that’s not him. There’s the truth.

Anyway, that was enough excitement for the rest of the week for me, I hope.

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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Back to Black

So a couple months later, and so much wiser, I find myself far distanced from the infamous Mr. Bingley. As he graduated and moved somewhere else I never actually saw him again after summer time. But good thing for you guys -not so much for me –  my very unsuccessful love life continues and I have a few new candidates to introduce to you.

Sebastian, a very old fashioned guy, as well on the boy’s varsity team who apparently had been waiting to take over Mr Bingley’s role. However after a date and a couple of nights out I have realised that I am just not romantically interested in him. It is odd how that works. Someone fits all the bills, yet the feeling is not there.

Spencer, a friend of Liz and a really handsome young man, however; again, I don’t think I am interested.

And finally Tiger, he has become a really good friend of mine although he keeps sending me love letters, and again, you can probably guess it: not interested.

Anyhoo, this was just a post to keep you guys up to date. More will follow.

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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Just My Luck.

So, last Wednesday we had another social which didn’t go quite as planned. Like always there was a lot of alcohol involved and I don’t really want to get into it, but somehow I ended up flirting a lot with Mr. Bingley and eventually kissing him. Nothing very interesting apart form the fact that he somehow ended up getting back to mine. He lost his wallet and I did offer to take him home with the cab, but he clearly wanted to stay at mine, which I in turn didn’t particularly had a problem with. Some stupid cringy things were said from my part mostly because I was boozed and that’s when I say things I immediately regret. I also headbumped him 5 times and the firealarm continuously went off, so now, it wasn’t particularly romantic either. Anyhoo. Next morning, I woke up, noticed Mr. Bingley and freaked out for a moment. Luckily things didn’t get too awkward and we ended up cuddling and talking for quite a while. Not long after he got a taxi back to his house, preceded by VERY awkward goodbyes and I didn’t hear from him again.

The next day one of my friends from the team (Liz) asked me what happened with Mr. Bingley, because she had clearly saw us together so I explained to her that he stayed over but nothing had happened. As it happened, one of my other team mates was holding her phone as I was sending the message to Liz and it turned into a gossip between a couple of the girls. Quite unfortunate, but hey, nothing I could do about it.

Today I met up with Liz in town and as we were walking she casually mentioned that she overheard the girls saying that Mr. Bingley has a girlfriend. Apparently she assumed that I knew and caught me in total shock. No, I’m not devastated because I am crushing over him, because honestly I don’t really care. In that moment I just couldn’t believe that he could be so sneaky and I was very very disappointed in my own people-reading-skills. I’m not one to talk, because I did cheat on my boyfriend with HIM, however I was never sneaky about it and told my now ex-boyfriend straight away and broke up because to me that is clearly a sign that something is wrong. However, if there is nothing I hate more than liars and cheaters (in the way that they continuously do it behind their partner’s back, yes that might be hypocritical, but that is how I feel). So, long story short: I am going out tonight, forget about this whole thing and the next time I will see Mr. Bingley I will be very polite yet clear about the fact that I want no role in this whatsoever. I am disgusted. 

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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A busy week

Okay so you guys haven’t heard from me for a while. Don’t worry, it wasn’t for any exciting reason: it was because I am buried in uni work. However, apart from that I did manage to get myself into some awkward situations. So last week I had a streak of interesting nights out. The first night of the week I went out with my housemate who recently broke up with her boyfriend (we’ll name her Lena) and because I had to stupidly joke about “the fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else” she has taken my advise very seriously. My bad. So it didn’t take long before she had found herself a nice lad and went home with him, without me knowing it. Basically I ended up dancing by myself or with a group of strangers for the rest of the night and seeing myself home at the end of it. The next day I  went out with my housemates instead of the varsity team because it was Lena’s birthday. So once arrived at the club I did spot my team and ran over to them to great them and there he was: Mr. Bingley. However, because I recently came to the conclusion that it wasn’t particularly going anywhere I decided to ignore him. Great choice. So instead of having normal conversations I fled every time he was coming near me.

Nevertheless I had a splendid evening until I lost all of my friends and ended up alone and confused. And then I ran into one of my course mates (and I feel that I have to mention that I barely show up to uni because of various reasons so I don’t really know any of my coursemates, but I did recognize him, for he is always the one who smiles at me). He seemed concerned and asked me what was wrong so I told him that I lost all my friends. But along with losing my friends I also lost my ability to behave and talk normal (alcohol does strange things to you), so as I was trying to leave with my dignity whilst putting my sweater on inside out he offered to take me home. I was endeared, really. But I also have to much pride, so I told him that I was fine and I took a cab home myself. Once at home, I received a text from Mr. Bingley, asking me why I didn’t come out with the varsity team. As a reply I sent back a streak of unidentifiable drunk texts, followed by my location (yes, facebook has this annoying location button that won’t stop leaving me alone) after which I fell into a coma.

Although I wanted to kill myself in the morning, I felt a little better for Mr. Bingley had replied and we started an actual normal conversation, which somehow ended quite abruptly though, soon after. Another night out arrived and because my body and my soul had given up, me and Ally decided to go home early and call it a night. The next day I discovered that I was unaware of about three upcoming assignments so I spent the following part of the week hiding behind my computer and books in the library. When I ran into my coursemate from the other night but like always, I was far too awkward to actually start a conversation or to thank him for the other night, so instead I nodded in acknowledgement.

Okay that’s about it, for now. 

Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,

Yours truly, Maple.

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