More time passes by and more and more I start to doubt myself. Am I capable of falling in love? What is holding me back? Am I normal? All the usual questions a 21 year old would ask herself, you’d say. However as I look at the people around me I notice that everyone has had at least one relationship in their lifetime. I know it’s not a bad thing to be a bit unusual, or differ from the rest. I understand that it is different for everyone and that I shouldn’t compare myself, but this time it’s different. I have never connected with anyone on that level. So I googled it, for google is the almighty wizard filled with infinite wisdom and will answer all my questions and what I discovered is that, basically. I have a lot of issues.
I came across this article from Psychology Today in which they catagorize people according to the reasons they don’t fall in love easily and guess what; I tick all the boxes. I do have childhood trauma, I am very fearful of being controlled by the relationship, I do feel like I have an obligation and have been trapped in relationships by guilt and threats, I do act like I don’t need love and I am also not able to sustained prolonged intimacy – the beginning is fun, but then it gets scary and boring.
And although all of those are massive warning signs, I have let go of most of those things a long time ago. What if it is not due to something that happened to me but more to the way I am. I have also recently discovered this article in buzzfeed that talks about ‘aromantics’ and gave a basic definition:
- Aromanticism means you cannot feel romantic attraction. Like any romantic or sexual orientation, it is a part of a person’s nature, and while attraction patterns can be fluid, no one can force their romantic/sexual orientation(s) to change, not even by behaving contrary to those orientations. Dating someone won’t make an aromantic person feel romantic attraction or love. Great sex won’t do it. Even loving someone strongly as a friend won’t suddenly flip the switch in an aro’s brain and lead them to feel romantic attraction. Either you feel attracted to someone in a particular way or you don’t.
Although I thoroughly recognize myself in a lot of the description I don’t quite know where the line begins or ends. How do you know if you’re aromantic or just really fucked up? The sad thing is, I actually try so hard to fall in love sometimes that it makes me feel utterly ridiculous and that I end up hurting people.
For example this week I had to deal with both Michael and Sebastian. Michael, two days after he left, sent me a message saying that he was starting to ‘fall for me’. Having no clue how to answer to that, for my feelings are not even close to mutual I freaked out and still haven’t responded. Sebastian then in turn told me that he no longer wanted it to be awkward between us (not that it was in my eyes?) and that it is better to stay friends. I responded by saying that I hoped we were friends already. Then as the night continued, Sebastian’s best friend Regis came up to me and decleared his hatred for me. He claimed that I had ‘wrecked’ Sebastian. Knowing that all of it was probably true, there was nothing left to say. However I started laughing as I looked aside and saw that Sebastian was having an intense make-out session with a random girl just a few meters away from us (we were in a club, just to clarify). As I wanted to say – he seems to be over it – I remained silent instead and left.
I just like to kiss people when I’m durnk, I don’t actually ever mean to hurt anyone
Stay golden my little ponyboys and stay strong my fellow awkward-turtles out there,
Yours truly, Maple.